


Dreams All Die

by RachelisTheWendyBird



Series: In the Life of Severus Snape [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Ending Relationship, F/M, Friendship/Love, Goodbyes, Hogwarts, Mirror of Erised, Room of Requirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:03:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1292401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelisTheWendyBird/pseuds/RachelisTheWendyBird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fifth in the series, in which Severus and Lily take a trip to the room of requirement in order to look into a very special mirror...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreams All Die

Severus stood alone on the astronomy tower, looking down across the vast Hogwarts grounds: the black lake, placid and shining like glass in the bleak afternoon light; the rolling, green mountains that disappeared into mist at the edge of his sight; the thick trees of the forbidden forest, looking foreboding and yet intriguing. As he watched, a thestral swooped out of the trees, circling the air briefly before disappearing. Severus wished he could fly. He wished he could cast off the shackles that kept him anchored down in a pit of despair and take to the wind, finding a beautiful land were he could live happily with Lily, just she and him together. But it was not to be.

The world was crumbling around him, his life slipping through his fingers like sand. So why did the ground look so mockingly peaceful? Why did the other student laugh, love, and dream, with no idea how unfair the world was? Severus only wanted one thing, and that was the one thing the universe seemed determined to deny him; Lily. 

She had slipped away from him forever. Severus had watched it happen, slowly at first, but more and more as time went on. And instead of running after her, trying to hold on, he had slipped away from her in turn. Why? But it didn’t matter now. It was done. Lily was delivering the deathblow, the complete severing of their friendship; She was dating James Potter.

Severus reached up to dry his eyes on edge of sleeve. Every time he thought about them together, he felt like murdering James, hating Lily, and flinging himself off the tower where he stood all at the same time. But he couldn’t murder James. He would never do something to hurt Lily, and as much as it pained him to admit it, that would. And he could never hate Lily. He loved her so much, so much that it hurt. And as for flinging himself off the astronomy tower, he wanted to live in the same world as Lily, no matter how much it hurt. This knowledge comforted him. 

Severus knew he would never be able to accept Lily and James together. He couldn’t imagine that James would be good to her, or that he would understand her or make her happy. He believed James would break her heart, and he promised himself he would be there to help her pick up the pieces. But if this was really going to happen, He wasn’t letting Lily go just yet. He had to say goodbye. He had to have one last chance. Severus wrenched open the trapdoor and swept down the spiral stairs, planning only to stop when he found Lily.

•••

Lily sat alone one her bed in Gryffindor tower. She fingered the charm bracelet she wore on her right wrist. It had only one charm; a silver doe with jade eyes that matched her own. Severus had given it to her for Christmas their sixth year. She remembered opening it on Christmas Eve. She had received a brown paper package by owl. Inside the package was a little square box. Inside the box there was the bracelet, and a little note that read, “For my little doe—S.” She had absolutely loved it. But things were so different now. 

Lily often wondered why she had decided to date James. He had been so cruel to her best friend, and dating him felt like betrayal. But the fact remained that Severus had chosen the path of the Dark Arts. She could not, would not, follow him down that path. Ever since that night by the portrait hole, things had been different. They had made up, but there was a small riff between them. And Lily had come to realize that it was all or nothing with Severus. They were not together as boyfriend and girlfriend, so it wasn’t enough for him. He started sinking into the Dark Arts, and she couldn’t be friends with a dark wizard, so she had pulled away, hoping he would follow her out. But he didn’t. He sank further in. So she pulled further away, and he in turn sank deeper. And before she knew it the riff had grown into a ponderous chasm. She had given up hope that she would be able to close the distance between them without falling down into the chasm. But despite everything, she still believed Severus would be able to cross it if he accepted her hand offered in friendship. But she despaired he would not.

But Lily did not want this to be the end. She wanted one last chance for Severus to be her friend. After all, she did love him so. She jumped up from the bed and flew down the stairs and out of the portrait hole, determined not to stop until she found Severus.

•••

Severus rounded the corner of the Seventh floor corridor just as Lily rounded the corner on the other side. They skidded to a halt, both out of breath and red-faced from running. For a moment they just stood there, looking at each other, then they moved forward, reaching each other just as they drew level with the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy teaching trolls how to dance Ballet. 

Severus stood there staring into Lily’s bright green eyes. She was with James now, but she had gone running all over the castle trying to find him. What did it me? He couldn’t help but feel a flutter of hope in his chest. Maybe she hadn’t given up on him just yet. 

“I was looking for you,” Severus said.

“I was looking for you, too,” Lily replied, gazing steadily back at him.

Suddenly, Severus couldn’t hold back his anger and resentment any longer. His fists clenched, and he glared at Lily.

“But why? Why would you want to talk to me if you’re with him!” Severus hissed the last word. He was trying not to sound angry, but there was too much bitterness inside him.

He saw Lily’s face crumple. She tried to keep her dignity by glaring at him, but there were tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t be angry. I know you don’t like James, I know you don’t like what I’m doing but—”

“Why, then? Why would you date him? How many times have you called him an arrogant toe rag? How many times have you watched him torment me, just to impress you? Impress you! How could look twice at a man like him?”

Lily was looking at the floor, arms crossed over her chest. 

“You know he’s said the same thing about you?”

“What?” Severus said blankly, taken aback. 

Lily looked up at him and nodded. 

“I told you before; none of my friend can understand why I even talk to you. Can’t you see what an effort it’s taken for me to remain friends with you?”

“But we aren’t friends, are we?” Severus muttered.

“I’ve tried, Sev, I’ve tried,” Lily implored. “But it can’t just be a one-sided effort. You’ve got to try too, and you haven’t. I made up with you, but you seemed to have already given up.”

“You left too much unsaid. You told me you loved me, but you never said how! Siblings, friends or more, I didn’t know! All I wanted was your love, but I didn’t know if it was the kind of love you offered. And…and you gave it back…the lily.”

“Oh Sev, I love you, I do, you must believe me!”

“But how! How do you love me?”

“I—I don’t know!” Lily shouted desperately. “It’s like, I want to love you, but I’m afraid.”

“Afraid?” Severus’ voice sounded hurt. “Afraid of what?”

“Of the Dark Arts, The Dark Lord, your friends, and—and you.” Lily was whispering now. “And of what you’ve become.”

Severus felt numb. He stood there, staring down at her. She wouldn’t look at him. 

“Then why did you come?” He said after a long pause.

Lily’s face snapped up.

“I came because I wanted to talk to you. I don’t want this to be end!”

“How can it?” Severus cried. “How can it be anything but the end? What would you ask of me? Be happy for you and James? Listen to you giggle and sigh over him? Give you relationship advice? Be an ecstatic guest at your wedding and keep my mouth shut when they ask, ‘if anyone objects to this marriage, speak now?” Be nothing but a friend to you for the rest of our lives? You can’t ask that of me. Any of it. Don’t you know that even now every time I look at you and him together it’s like a knife through my heart?”

Severus was crying now. He was angry with himself for it. He had been determined not to let Lily see. But tears slipped from his eyes and he let them fall. He did not even wipe them away. 

Lily was looking up at him in dismay, her eyes wide and her hand over her mouth. She hadn’t expected this, apparently. She hadn’t expected that he hurt this much over her. 

“I’m sorry,” She whispered, and her voice shook. “No, you’re right, I—I can’t ask that of you—I won’t ask any of that of you.”

“Why did you give back the lily?”

Lily gazed into his dark eyes for a long while before answering.

“I wanted you to remember me.”

Severus stood there, locked in her gaze. He felt broken and empty inside. He could barely find the strength to keep chasing her. 

“Why are you doing this, Lily?” he said flatly. “I love you. Why are you doing this to me.”

Lily blinked and two tears spilled from her eyes. 

“Sev, don’t. Don’t blame me for your decisions. Do you know how sad I feel when I look at you and see how far you’ve fallen? I’ve felt this way ever since that day under the beech tree. James and his mates make me smile, sometimes. I want to smile. I never wanted to hurt you, but what other choice have you given me? I can’t follow you where you’re going. I feel like a traitor dating James, but I can’t give myself over to you the way you are.”

She sighed heavily, like she was exhausted. She turned away from him and faced the tapestry.

“I don’t know what I want anymore.”

Severus watched her for a while, thinking. She was so right about him. He did not want her to follow where he was going. But he couldn’t climb out of the abyss unless she was at the top. How could he convince her? How could he show her what she really wanted, her true desire? Severus stared at Lily staring at the tapestry, and suddenly remembered where they were.

“Lily!” he whispered. “Come with me.”

With that Severus grabbed Lily’s hand and pulled her down the corridor to a blank stretch of wall. They walked back and forth in front of it tree times, and all the while Severus had his eyes shut tight as he thought; I need to find a mirror. I need to find a mirror. I need to find a mirror.

•••

A large, ornate door popped silently into existence where there had previously been only blank wall. Lily stared, eyes wide. What was this place? Before she could ask, Severus had pushed the door open and dragged her through to the room beyond. 

Mirrors. Everywhere Lily looked there were mirrors of every shape and size imaginable. There were enormous floor mirrors, mirrors that hung from the walls, smaller desk mirrors, hand mirrors, and tiny compacts. There mirrors with ornate frames of gold and silver, shining like new. There were mirrors with simple wooden frames, covered in grime. Mirrors from every time and era, mirrors for every purpose. And they were all arranged in towers and walls that loomed high above them. Severus pulled her forward through the endless maze, and hundreds of mirror images followed after them. The effect was dizzying. 

Lily couldn’t imagine what they were doing here. But Severus pulled her forward with intense determination. He was looking for a specific mirror. 

Suddenly they found themselves in a large open space, rather like a courtyard. In the center was a solitary mirror. Lily felt Severus’ pace quicken as they moved towards it. This must have been the one.

The mirror towered over them. Its frame was ornate, and at the top there were word engraved in it:

Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi.

Lily stared at the words. She had always loved puzzles. What could they mean? They were all English letters, but they weren’t forming any words that made sense to her. She cocked her head, thinking. Perhaps they were words as seen through a mirror. She read the words backwards.

“I show not your face, but your heart’s desire,” she whispered to herself. “Severus, what is this?”

“The Mirror of Erised. It will show you want you truly want most. Look.”

Lily hesitated. What if it showed her something she could never, ever have? How could she live with that knowledge? But curiosity was gnawing at her. And what if she could achieve what the mirror showed? It could make everything so much clearer. She took a deep breath and stepped in front of the mirror. 

In the mirror there were three figures. The one in the middle was Lily, holding hands with the two people to either side. On her right was James, and on her left was Severus. Mirror-Lily was beaming. James was flashing his crooked grin, his glasses lop-sided. Even Severus was smiling his small smile. 

More people appeared next to James; the other Marauders, Sirus, Remus, and Peter. Remus elbowed Sirius and James and jerked his head in Severus’ direction. The two boys sighed, and then stepped forward awkwardly. They spoke to Severus, looking somewhat guilty. Remus and Peter were nodding in agreement with whatever they were saying. They seemed to be apologizing. Then James held out his hand to Severus. Severus looked at it, his face skeptical, then looked at mirror-Lily. Mirror-lily gazed at him imploringly, and finally Severus rolled his eyes and shook James’ hand. James smiled again, and looked over his shoulder at his mates and spoke again. The real Lily thought she saw him say the word “Snivellus.” James and the Marauders laughed. Mirror-Lily looked nervously over at Severus, but even he was laughing his quiet laugh. Mirror-Lily smiled again and leaned toward Severus, whispering something that looked like “Thank you.” Severus looked at her smiled, then reached down to kiss her. The Marauders smiled at them, even James. 

The scene changed. Severus was wearing black dress robes, and mirror-Lily stood with him wearing a white dress and veil. They were underneath a flowered archway, with guest lined up in little white chairs in front of them. The real Lily could see all her friends there, including Sirius, Remus, and Peter. James stood beside Severus; he was the best man. 

The scene changed again. Severus and mirror-Lily were sitting side by side on a sofa in front of a crackling fire. Mirror-Lily’s belly was round with child. Severus was stroking her hair. They looked so happy together

And again the scene changed. Once again there were only three people in the mirror; Severus and mirror-Lily stood side by side. In front of them stood a little boy with black hair and green eyes.

•••

Severus watched Lily’s face as she looked into the mirror of Erised. He saw how her face changed as she realized what it was showing her. It started out confused, then changed to surprise. After a while he saw her eyes widen and her mouth fall open in what was unmistakably heart-wrenching shock. He watched as her eyes filled with tears, and her face finally settled in an expression that was half joy, half terrible sadness; longing.

“Lily?” Severus whispered cautiously. 

Lily did not look at him. Instead, she raised her hand to point at the mirror and said with an absolutely despairing voice, “I can’t have that!”

“You don’t know that.” Severus retorted. “Tell me what you saw, and I swear to you, I’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen.”

The tears in her eyes spilled over and began coursing down her cheeks. She tore her gaze away from the mirror and looked strait at Severus.

“You mean you’ll accept the apologies of the Marauders and be friends with them? Be able to look back on all the times they were mean to you and laugh with them about it? Have James be the best man at our wedding because he’s become like a brother to you? Live a simple life with me and start a family in a cozy little cottage? Completely shun the Dark Arts from here on out?”

She was shouting by the end. Severus just stood there, stunned. Was this what she truly saw? He was torn between joy, loathing and despair as he tried to sort out what she had said. She saw James and the Marauders apologizing, and himself forgiving them. That would never happen. But Lily had been his, and the Marauders all had been happy for them. And James as his best man? Severus didn’t think there was anything more impossible. He felt a wave at loathing at the very thought. But it was Lily he was marrying. He would definitely live a simple life with her if that was what she wanted. As for the Dark Arts, Severus wished it was that simple. 

After a few moments of silence Lily turned back towards the mirror. She reached up to touch the glass and gazed into it with such terrible longing that it made Severus’ heart hurt to see. 

“What do you see?” she whispered, her voice barely audible. When Severus didn’t move or answer, Lily took his hand and pulled him in front of the mirror. He didn’t see the point in looking; he already knew what he would see.  
Severus saw himself, with Lily by his side. They were holding hands and smiling out of the mirror at the real Severus. As he watched, they looked at one another, their gazes filled with so much love it was palpable, and leaned in to share a kiss. The mirror Severus and Lily made it look so easy, so natural.

When Severus had first discovered the mirror, he had seen more than this. He had seen them spending time together, walking through the Hogwarts grounds and the woods by Lily’s house, lying in their meadow, everything. And like Lily, he had seen their life together. But over the years, he had seen less and less, like the things he had seen before were no longer important. And now, Severus only saw himself and Lily, together.

Hand trembling, He reached up to touch the glass, as though he could fall through it and become the mirror-Severus. Then he turned to look at Lily; she was watching him curiously.

“I see us,” He said simply. Lily nodded, then looked down at her feet, avoiding his eye.

“I want to try, Lily,” Severus said, moving towards her “Really, I do. But I’m not the only one that has to. Do you really think James would do all those things you said? I would make it all come true if I could. Don’t you believe me?”

Lily turned back up at him, tears dangling from her eyelashes. “Giving up the Dark Arts for good is the first step,” Lily whispered.

Here it was. The place they failed. The point where it always seemed that each wanted too much from the other. 

“I can’t break it off with the Death Eaters unless I know you’ll be there, Lily.”

“And I can’t be there unless you break it off with them, Sev.”

And in that moment Severus felt that she was as far away as if she stood on the other side of a vast ocean. It really was the end. Without a word, Severus reached for Lily’s hand, and led her back through the room of mirrors, leaving their deepest desires behind. 

When they stepped back out into the corridor, they turned to each other. Lily was not crying, but her green eyes seemed magnified. 

“I promise I will always be here, If you change your mind. But you probably wouldn’t want me,” Severus told her.

“I can’t promise I will be here if you change your ways. But if I am, my heart will be open to you,” She answered.  
Then Lily reached up to brush the hair out of his face. Severus closed his eyes at her touch. To his surprise, he felt her kiss his lips, the most delicate kiss he could imagine. He heard her whisper in his ear, “Goodbye, Sev.” Then she was gone.


End file.
